Brain Soup – August 3rd, 2020

So, yesterday I had such bad anxiety that I ended up having a mild panic attack. Panic attacks in general are rare for me, like a handful a year max, but the anxiety is something I live with everyday. It used to only be a social thing for me but as I got older and had more responsibilities put on me it had gotten worse. It got to where it is now however after I was diagnosed with Cancer. I didn’t even know I was that sick until I woke up in the hospital five years ago having had to undergo an emergency hysterectomy because the doctors discovered that the cyst that I had on my ovary had been hiding stage three Cancer. I spent a year doing various forms of radiation therapy and then the last four years have been check ups. Since then my anxiety has been worse on average than it has ever been before.

I try to be a positive person and don’t allow negative thoughts of the future to invade since I can’t know what is coming. I can only live for today and plan loosely for tomorrow. I try to live my best life and not compare myself to others because everyone is different and so is the journey, but, sometimes I find myself consumed with frustration, and envy for all those that are normal. That don’t have gender dysphoria and autism. Those that find it easy and even invigorating to work out, play stressful video games, or compete at work for higher positions of power. I’ve never been like that. I have a hard time keeping myself content in life. Happy comes in bursts as it should from what I have learned in some of the online courses I’ve taken. Content is what people should try to strive for on a daily basis instead of downward when it comes to emotion.

I fear but also do not fear death. I’m not suicidal at all and haven’t been since junior high school age. I was raised knowing what death is from a young age, but, that it was a part of life and the next step in the journey. It doesn’t mean though that I want it to be painful. That is what I actually fear about it I think.

Lately I have been trying to find someone to share my life with on a more than friendship basis. Society has become so shallow that sex and looks have become what matter first in relationships where I live. I try to have conversations with people for it to fizzle out, I try to start conversations only to never get a response, and it makes me sad and question myself. Why am I not good enough? Should I lower my standards for relationships just to find someone? I’m told that I am a great person. That taking care of my grandparents and now my mom make me awesome. I am told that I am easy to talk to and funny. The only things I can think of that make me so that no one wants to be with me is my looks and the fact that I want to wait for at least six months to a year before I have sex with someone I am dating.

I’ve had more bad experiences with sex than good. More than half of those were the worst of the worst that can happen to someone. Sex doesn’t equal comfort, trust, or love to me because of it. How hard is that to understand and go along with if you like someone?

Due to mental and emotional abuse starting from ten years old I gained weight. I continued to gain weight because I was unhappy the rest of my life so far. I unwittingly wore mostly black throughout my teens and into my early twenties I was that unhappy. So, today I weigh around 360 pounds though most people tell me I don’t look that big. This is not as big as I have ever been and I have held it here for over a year now. I want to get thinner and bulk up my muscles because there is only so much you can do with diet to lose weight. Physical ailments have held me back a lot. The Cancer, a umbilical hernia, a pinched nerve in my hip, and now I hurt my Achilles Tendon. I did finally get the hernia repaired this past May and I start physical therapy soon which will help me on the road. However, creeping negative thoughts have made it into my head. Hopelessness on my weight, my fitness levels, and if I will ever find anyone that wants me for me. I seriously only have that one standard about sex. The only other rule I have is that I don’t date people bigger than me on the weight scale and that isn’t because of shallow reasons so much as it is about the bad sexual experiences I’ve had happen to me.

I have a therapist again. I hope this as well as writing on this blog will help me get back to where I need to be. I am going to try to write something daily to make a routine. It might be a full on blog like this, a poem, a story snippet, or just sharing some cool pictures I made or saw on the internet. Heck, maybe I will start blogging my daily adventures on Fallout 76 and Minecraft.

Blessed be your Life, Light be your Spirit, Let Fate guide you Home.

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