I’ve been trying to find a life partner for decades. I’ve had a handful of boyfriends and a couple of girlfriends in my life nothing that lasted very long for multiple reasons the majority of which was mostly on them. I’ve been lied to, hidden, cheated on, used for sex, and used as a backup. The amount of sexual partners I have had is also very low compared to average in this day and age. This is only if you count oral as well as intercourse. If you don’t count oral, which a lot of people don’t anymore, then it’s been less than a handful of partners which is mostly unheard of outside of religious people.
You see I believe in the mostly old fashioned view of taking things slow. For me there are intimacy steps and trust to build. Full on sex isn’t even an option for me until at least six months to a year in unless I’ve known them for years as a friend first. In that time we are supposed to hang out, go on dates, text or voice call each other everyday even if it is just to say good morning, talk about our interests, plans for the future, etc. You know, build an actual relationship that hopefully will stand the test of time as long as we communicate.
Lately I have been getting a lot of men that are already in relationships or married messaging me to hook up. This is in spite of my profile saying that I don’t do hookups. I will start to get to know them and things will start to get hinky or they will be up front with what they are really looking for. Just today I had to tell a guy that I was really getting excited over goodbye and block him from messaging me because he was just curious and wanted to experiment, but, has had a girlfriend for six years! I advised him that he needs to talk to her about what he is looking for instead of cheating on her right before I blocked him. If he can’t talk about the things he is interested in both inside and outside the bedroom with her then there is something wrong with the relationship. Even if she can’t give him what he wants she can say if him going out to try it is a deal breaker, or set rules to help her be comfortable with it so that there is a more open understanding of the actual rules of conduct within the relationship on both sides.
I’ve been in an open relationship. The only rules we set were that she told me when she was with someone else not who just that it happened, and that she use protection at all times. We ended up broken up because she couldn’t follow those rules and ended up pregnant and forced to marry the guy who did it because of her family expectations. Even with that experience I would be willing to be in a poly or open relationship again but only if everyone understood how important communication is for EVERYTHING. You can not assume how people are going to react… well you can, but, you shouldn’t and if you don’t feel like you can be open with someone you are dating or sleeping with then you aren’t with the right person.
Sex has become such a huge deal in society when it shouldn’t. It isn’t as important as the emotional and mental connections that we form with each other. Sex is just a by product of those connections with certain relationships, but, it can not be the sole foundation that the relationship is started with.
I feel like sometimes that because I have these beliefs and hard lines that I draw that I will never find someone to share my life with. I also know that I will be emotionally and mentally worse off if I give in and lower my standards because I would be settling for something that is less than what I want and need. There are a lot of people in the world that do that just because they think that they need someone to be whole or to be acknowledged as a person in this world.
Derek's Mindscape 